12 Traits of a Narcissist: The Masters of Self-Absorption

Have you ever felt like you’re constantly tiptoeing around someone’s ego? Welcome to the perplexing world of narcissism. In this guide, we’ll explore the 12 traits of a narcissist that might shed light on some of your past or present relationships. Whilst we’re exploring terrible traits, can a man be a bunny boiler? You bet ya!

Narcissism isn’t just about excessive self-love or inflated confidence. It’s a complex personality trait that can turn relationships into emotional minefields. Recent studies suggest that up to 6.2% of the population might have narcissistic personality disorder. That’s more than you’d expect, isn’t it?

As someone who’s navigated the treacherous waters of a relationship with a narcissist, I can tell you it’s less like a romantic waltz and more like a disorienting whirlwind. But don’t fret. By the end of this guide, you’ll be better equipped to spot these 12 traits of a narcissist and protect your emotional well-being.

Let’s dive into the 12 traits of a narcissist that might make you rethink some of your relationships.

1. Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance

The “I’m the Centre of the Universe” Syndrome

Imagine someone who believes they’re the main character in a film where everyone else is just an extra. That’s your typical narcissist with a grandiose sense of self-importance.

They’ll regale you with tales of their ‘extraordinary’ achievements, even if those achievements are as real as a chocolate teapot. They expect to be recognised as superior, even if they couldn’t organise a night out at the local pub.

A 2021 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that grandiose narcissists tend to overestimate their intelligence and attractiveness. No surprises there!

From my experience, this trait often manifests in subtle ways. For instance, a narcissist might monopolise conversations, steering them towards their accomplishments while glossing over or dismissing others’ experiences.

“Narcissism is the pursuit of gratification from vanity or egotistic admiration of one’s idealised self-image and attributes.” – Unknown

2. Preoccupation with Fantasies of Unlimited Success

Narcissists don’t just dream big; they dream in IMAX 3D with surround sound. Their fantasies of success are so grand, they make Hollywood blockbusters look like amateur home videos.

They’ll chat about their future Nobel Prize… in a field they’ve barely dabbled in. They believe they’re destined for greatness, even if they struggle with everyday tasks.

A study in the Journal of Personality found that narcissists are more likely to engage in grandiose fantasies as a way to regulate their self-esteem. It’s their emotional safety blanket.

In my encounters with narcissists, I’ve noticed these fantasies often serve as a shield against reality. When faced with challenges or failures, they retreat into these elaborate daydreams rather than addressing the issues at hand.

“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” – Albert Einstein

3. Belief in Their Own Specialness

The “Chosen One” Complex

If you know someone who thinks they’re God’s gift to humanity, you might have spotted a narcissist in the wild.

They believe they can only be understood by other ‘special’ people. Spoiler alert: They’re the only special one in their book. Normal rules? Those are for ordinary people. And they’re anything but ordinary!

A 2019 study in the Journal of Research in Personality found that this belief in one’s own specialness is closely linked to entitlement and grandiosity. It’s a narcissistic trinity, if you will.

I’ve observed that this trait often leads narcissists to seek out exclusive groups or high-status individuals, believing that’s where they truly belong. They might name-drop constantly or exaggerate their connections to important people.

“I am not special. I am just limited edition.” – Unknown

4. Need for Excessive Admiration

For a narcissist, compliments are like oxygen. They need a constant supply to survive, and they’re not above gasping dramatically if they’re running low.

They’ll fish for compliments so blatantly, you’d think they’re trying to catch Nessie. If they don’t get the praise they think they deserve, they’ll sulk like a child who didn’t get a gold star for participation.

A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that narcissists prefer admiration over acceptance. They’d rather be envied than liked. Quite the priority list, eh?

In my interactions with narcissists, I’ve noticed they often create situations where they can be the centre of attention. They might monopolise conversations, steer discussions towards their achievements, or even manufacture crises that put them in the spotlight.

“Compliments are like Marmite; some people can’t get enough of them.” – Unknown

5. Sense of Entitlement

Narcissists walk around with an invisible crown on their head, expecting the red carpet treatment wherever they go. Even if that ‘wherever’ is just the corner shop.

They expect immediate compliance with their wishes. Patience? Never heard of her. They become furious when denied special treatment. How dare you treat them like a regular person!

A 2020 study in the Journal of Personality found that entitlement is one of the most stable traits of narcissism over time. Once entitled, always entitled, it seems.

I’ve found that this sense of entitlement often manifests in small, everyday interactions. A narcissist might consistently show up late to appointments, expecting others to wait for them without apology. They might demand expensive gifts or favours from friends and family, feeling it’s their due rather than a kind gesture. You certainly won’t find real emotional closeness with a narcissist.

“The world owes you nothing. It was here first.” – Mark Twain

6. Interpersonal Exploitation

To a narcissist, other people are less like individuals and more like tools – useful for achieving their goals, but easily discarded when no longer needed.

They’ll use charm and flattery to get what they want, then disappear faster than a tray of biscuits at teatime. They’ll take credit for others’ work quicker than you can say “that was my idea”.

Research published in Personality and Individual Differences found that narcissists are more likely to engage in exploitative behaviours in both romantic and professional relationships. It’s like they’re playing chess while everyone else is playing draughts.

In my experience, narcissists are often skilled at identifying others’ vulnerabilities and using them to their advantage. They might prey on a person’s insecurities to maintain control or exploit someone’s generosity for financial gain.

“Some people use others as stepping stones, but be careful – you might be the stone they step on.” – Unknown

7. Lack of Empathy

Trying to get empathy from a narcissist is like trying to squeeze water from a stone – theoretically possible, but you’ll probably hurt yourself in the process.

They dismiss others’ feelings faster than you can say “but I feel…”. They use others’ vulnerabilities against them. It’s like emotional jiu-jitsu.

A 2019 study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that narcissists can actually experience empathy, but they may choose not to. It’s like they have an empathy switch, and it’s usually set to ‘off’.

I’ve observed that this lack of empathy often leads to a pattern of invalidating others’ experiences. A narcissist might respond to a friend’s personal tragedy with indifference or even annoyance if it interferes with their plans. They might mock someone’s fears or insecurities, unable to comprehend the emotional impact of their actions.

“Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another, and feeling with the heart of another” – Alfred Adler

8. Envy of Others

Narcissists and envy go together like fish and chips. They’re constantly comparing themselves to others, and they’re not happy unless they’re coming out on top.

They can’t genuinely celebrate others’ successes. It’s always “Yeah, but…”. They spread rumours or try to undermine others’ achievements. If they can’t be the best, no one can!

Research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that narcissists are more likely to experience both benign and malicious envy. It’s like they’ve got the whole envy spectrum covered!

I’ve noticed that narcissists often respond to others’ success with snide remarks about favouritism or luck, unable to genuinely celebrate another’s achievements. They might spread rumours or engage in sabotage to diminish others’ accomplishments.

“Envy is the art of counting the other fellow’s blessings instead of your own.” – Harold Coffin

9. Arrogant Behaviours or Attitudes

If arrogance were an Olympic sport, narcissists would be gold medallists. They don’t just think they’re better than you; they know it, and they want you to know it too.

They talk down to others like they’re explaining quantum physics to a toddler. They dismiss others’ opinions faster than you can say “but I think…”.

A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that arrogance in narcissists is often a cover for deep-seated insecurities. It’s like they’re wearing emotional armour.

In my interactions with narcissists, I’ve observed that this arrogance often manifests as an unwillingness to follow rules or guidelines. They might refuse to wait in queues or follow workplace protocols, believing they’re above such constraints.

“Arrogance is the camouflage of insecurity.” – Tim Fargo

10. Difficulty Accepting Criticism

Trying to criticise a narcissist is like trying to nail jelly to a wall – messy, frustrating, and ultimately futile.

They react to criticism with rage or humiliation. It’s like watching a volcano erupt… of emotions. They deflect blame faster than a professional cricket player.

Research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that narcissists are more likely to interpret ambiguous social cues as criticism. It’s like they have a criticism radar set to ‘hypersensitive’.

I’ve found that this hypersensitivity to criticism often leads to a pattern of gaslighting. When confronted with their missteps, narcissists might twist situations to make themselves appear as the victim, leaving others questioning their own perceptions.

“I can handle criticism, but I prefer praise.” – Unknown (but probably a narcissist)

11. Need for Control

Narcissists love control more than Brits love a good cuppa. They need to be in charge like the rest of us need oxygen.

They micromanage everything and everyone. It’s like they think they’re the director of the film of life. They manipulate situations to maintain the upper hand. It’s emotional chess, and they always want to be in check. you’ll find their behaviour very closely related to love bombing.

Research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that narcissists often use control tactics in relationships to maintain their sense of superiority. It’s like they’re afraid of what might happen if they let go of the reins.

In my experience, this need for control often extends to seemingly insignificant details. A narcissistic partner might attempt to dictate their significant other’s choices in clothing, friends, or career. In a work environment, a narcissistic boss might refuse to delegate tasks, insisting on overseeing every detail personally.

“Control is an illusion, you infantile egomaniac. Nobody knows what’s gonna happen next: not on a motorway, not in an aeroplane, not inside our own bodies and certainly not on a racetrack with 40 other infantile egomaniacs.” – Days of Thunder

12. Inability to Take Responsibility

If narcissists were superheroes, their superpower would be dodging responsibility. They’re like emotional contortionists, always finding a way to wiggle out of accountability.

They blame others for their mistakes faster than you can say “It wasn’t me!” They offer apologies that aren’t really apologies. “I’m sorry you feel that way” is their favourite phrase.

A study in the Journal of Research in Personality found that narcissists are more likely to use self-serving attributions to explain their successes and failures. In other words, they take credit for the good and blame others for the bad.

I’ve observed that this trait makes it nearly impossible for narcissists to learn from their mistakes or genuinely improve their behaviour. They might blame their poor performance at work on their colleagues’ incompetence or unfair treatment from superiors. In personal relationships, they might accuse their partner of being “too sensitive” when confronted about hurtful behaviour.

“The moment you take responsibility for everything in your life is the moment you can change anything in your life.” – Hal Elrod

My Personal Experience with a Narcissist

Seventeen years ago, I found myself entangled with a narcissist. At first, it was all fireworks and butterflies. She was charming, confident, and made me feel like I’d won the relationship lottery. But as time went on, those butterflies turned into a swarm of wasps in my stomach.

Every conversation became a monologue about her achievements. My feelings were dismissed faster than a telemarketer’s call. The slightest hint of criticism would set off an emotional landmine.

The turning point came when I realised I’d lost myself. My friends, my hobbies, my dreams – they’d all taken a backseat to her needs and demands. I was constantly anxious, second-guessing my every move.

Making the decision to divorce was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I knew deep down that she couldn’t change, not without acknowledging her behaviour and seeking help. Looking back, she certainly embodied all 12 traits of a narcissist listed.

The process was painful, but also liberating. Slowly, I rediscovered myself, my passions, and my voice. I learned to set boundaries and to value my own needs and feelings.

What to Do If You Live with a Narcissist

Living with a narcissist can feel like you’re trapped in a hall of mirrors – disorienting, frustrating, and seemingly endless. But don’t worry, there’s a way out. Here are some strategies I’ve found effective:

1. Set Firm Boundaries: Establish clear, non-negotiable boundaries. Stick to them like they’re the last biscuit in the tin.
2. Maintain Your Identity: Don’t lose yourself in their shadow. Nurture your interests, friendships, and goals.
3. Seek Support: Build a support network stronger than a cup of builder’s tea. Friends, family, or a therapist can provide perspective and emotional reinforcement.
4. Practise Self-Care: Prioritise your mental and emotional health. It’s not selfish; it’s survival.
5. Document Everything: Keep a record of incidents. It’s not paranoia; it’s preparation.
6. Don’t Engage in Arguments: Arguing with a narcissist is like trying to teach a cat to fetch. It’s exhausting, frustrating, and ultimately pointless.
7. Consider Professional Help: A therapist experienced in narcissistic personality disorder can be your emotional GPS, helping you navigate this tricky terrain.

Remember, you’re not responsible for fixing them. You can’t change a narcissist, but you can change how you respond to their behaviour.

“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.” – Steve Maraboli

The Hidden Vulnerability of Narcissists

While it’s easy to focus on the negative aspects of narcissistic behaviour, it’s important to understand that beneath the grandiose exterior often lies a deeply vulnerable core. This isn’t to excuse their actions, but to provide a more nuanced understanding.

The Fragile Core Behind the 12 Traits of a Narcissist

Narcissists often develop their traits as a defence mechanism against feelings of inadequacy or childhood trauma. Their inflated sense of self-importance acts as a shield against deep-seated insecurities.

In my experience, moments of vulnerability in narcissists are rare but revealing. When their defences are down, you might catch a glimpse of the scared, insecure person hiding behind the mask of superiority.

Understanding this vulnerability can help in dealing with narcissists, but it’s crucial to remember that it’s not your job to fix them. Professional help is usually necessary for a narcissist to recognise and address their behaviour.

“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” – Carl Jung

Key Takeaways

1. Trust Your Gut: If something feels off, it probably is. Your intuition is often picking up on red flags before your conscious mind acknowledges them.
2. Knowledge is Power: Understanding the traits of a narcissist can help you navigate relationships more effectively and protect your emotional well-being.
3. Self-Care is Essential: Prioritising your well-being isn’t optional when dealing with a narcissist; it’s crucial for survival.
4. Set Clear Boundaries: Establish and maintain firm boundaries. It’s not just about protecting yourself; it’s about defining your identity.
5. Seek Support: Don’t go it alone. A strong support network can provide perspective, validation, and emotional reinforcement.
6. Document Patterns: Keep records of incidents and behaviours. It can help you maintain your sense of reality in the face of gaslighting.
7. Consider Professional Help: A therapist can provide invaluable guidance in navigating relationships with narcissists and healing from narcissistic abuse.
8. Understand the Complexity: Recognise that narcissism often stems from deep-seated insecurities. This understanding can provide context, but it doesn’t excuse abusive behaviour.
9. Focus on Personal Growth: Use your experiences as a catalyst for self-discovery and personal development.
10. Remember Your Worth: Your value isn’t determined by a narcissist’s opinion of you. You deserve respect, kindness, and genuine love.

Conclusion to 12 Traits of a Narcissist

Navigating a relationship with a narcissist can feel like trying to find your way through a dense fog. But armed with knowledge and the right tools, you can protect yourself and even thrive.

Remember, recognising 12 traits of a narcissist is just the first step. The real journey is in reclaiming your power, your voice, and your right to healthy relationships.

You’re stronger than you know, more resilient than you believe, and absolutely deserving of love and respect. Don’t let anyone – especially a narcissist – convince you otherwise.

As you move forward, carry this knowledge with you like a torch, illuminating the path ahead. Whether you’re dealing with a narcissist in your personal life, at work, or reflecting on past experiences, you have the power to shape your future interactions.

Remember, healing is not a linear process. There might be setbacks, but each step forward is a victory. Celebrate these victories, learn from the challenges, and keep moving forward.

In the end, understanding the 12 traits of a narcissist is about more than just identifying difficult people. It’s about understanding yourself better, recognising your own worth, and learning to cultivate healthier relationships.

So here’s to you – to your strength, your resilience, and your journey towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships. You’ve got this, and the best is yet to come.

Matt